God, It's Me, Ben
by Theodore Hawkwood
Summary: "How many people had I already killed? There were those six I knew about for sure...Close enough to blow their last breath in my face." Seeking reconciliation for his actions during the Vietnam War Ben Willard gains a friend in a new world he has found himself adrift in. Set after the events of Apocalypse NCIS.


**God, it's me, Ben...**

Rating: FR-18 for war violence and language.

Summary: "How many people had I already killed? There were those six I knew about for sure...close enough to blow their last breath in my face." Seeking reconciliation from his actions during the Vietnam War Benjamin Willard finds solace in a new friend.

Episode Tags: Yankee White.

* * *

_"How many people had I already killed? There were those six that I knew about for sure...close enough to blow their last breath in my face."_ -**Captain Benjamin L. Willard, MACV-SOG, 1969.**

* * *

8 km from Laotian Border  
8 April 1968, 0400  
Quang Tri Province  
Republic of Vietnam

Captain Benjamin Willard moved silently into the small hamlet's square, towards one of the few concrete buildings. He knew this house belonged to a South Vietnamese official named Nguyen Sat Thuy, a man who ran an intelligence operation that ostensibly aided the Studies and Observation Group.

Ben knew different, thanks to recent intelligence. Three entire SOG teams lost without a trace. Thanks to an agent codenamed Sissy, a Vietnamese woman named Co Van, they had learned that Nguyen was playing both sides and his fence sitting was about to have consequences.

And recent intelligence also showed that Sissy was bent too, that she was a double agent under the auspices of the Trinh Sat or North Vietnamese Intelligence. No matter, both of them would be dead within the hour.

Ben nodded to Sergeant First Class Lyman who returned the nod and one of the Nungs began to silently pick the back door's lock. Clutching the silenced M3A1 Grease Gun sub machine gun he moved slowly but silently through the house, Lyman and one of the other Nungs behind him, similarly armed.

Moving into the house's bedroom and seeing both Nguyen and Co Van asleep in the bed, nearly tripping over the latter's clothing. Raising the Grease Gun and aiming down the sights at Nguyen and firing a short burst into the sleeping man's head.

Right about then Co Van awoke, clutching the blanket to her chest and Ben turned and fired the remainder of the magazine into Co Van's chest and head, all but obliterating her heart with the heavy .45 caliber slugs...

As he fired he muttered, "That's for Joel Kaskey, bitch..."

* * *

_"I just know that every man I kill the farther away from home I feel." _**\- Captain John H. Miller, 2nd Ranger Battalion, June 1944.**

* * *

Ben's Apartment  
7 December 2003, 0315  
Alexandria, VA  
United States

Ben sat bolt upright in bed, looking around the pastel painted walls of the apartment he had just moved into the day before. Boxes and bags were strewn about the floor with the occasional bit of wrapping.

Looking at his alarm clock, seeing the red numbers on the LCD display reading 3:15 A.M. There was no way in hell he was going to attempt to sleep. Remembering he had tried to go home after that tour in 1968. The operative words being tried to go home.

Muttering to himself, "Trouble is, I'd been back there and knew it didn't exist anymore."

With a tired sigh he recalled to himself how he hardly said a word to Rachel until saying yes to a divorce. Clearly she and Aaron had been better off without him, after all Aaron did say that he had a Dad in his formative years and a better Dad than a father who deserted him.

He lumbered over to the bathroom, flicking the light switch on and splashing water on his face, noticing the bags under his eyes. Second night in a row nightmares decided to revisit him.

Looking into the bathroom mirror he briefly saw how he had appeared on the mission to kill Nguyen and Co Van, face darkened by green and black camouflage cream, wearing the green, brown, and black tiger striped camouflage and black boots with the silenced M3A1 Grease Gun in hand.

Deciding to get dressed he grabbed his coat and stepped into his Jeep, driving through the near deserted streets of Washington D.C. by night.

Sunrise would find him at the Vietnam War Memorial, walking amongst the names. Looking for two in particular, a pencil and two sheets of paper in his pocket. He knew panels 33E to 35W contained all the names for 1968. Or Bloody 68 as the year was known to many, especially those in MACV-SOG.

Finding the name Henry Clerval and placing the piece of paper over it, running the pencil over the paper. Then doing the same for the name Joel Kaskey. Two members of his little clique during the Special Forces Officer Course called the Three Musketeers. Two names on the wall. One dead and one missing in action somewhere in Laos. Joel Kaskey, Killed in Action. Henry Clerval, Missing in Action.

Feeling the lump in his throat, "I shouldn't have made that stupid promise about us sharing a beer back in Saigon when it was time to rotate to the World."

Walking back to his Jeep and knowing that even if Co Van's intelligence had helped the Vietcong and North Vietnamese during the Tet Offensive killing her didn't bring back Joel Kaskey. It still meant Joel's son, Brandon, grew up without his father. His wife Sara would be without her husband. But still the traitor wasn't going to betray any more friendly forces, thanks to him.

* * *

Saint Mary Catholic Church  
7 December 2003, 0830  
Alexandria, VA  
United States

Ben laid eyes on the tall spires of Saint Mary Catholic Church, taking in it's gray stone construction and wondered for the third time in a half hour if it had been a mistake to come here. He stood on the steps, off to one side, watching people as they came in.

_Am I forbidden entry? Have I sinned beyond redemption? Lord knows I killed only because I felt it essential to the war. Killing in the heat of battle is one thing, but knowing you will kill someone in cold blood is something entirely different. _Ben thought as his hand reached into the pocket where a packet of cigarettes and a lighter were.

It was around the time Ben turned around to just go home or wander a bit further that he saw Caitlin Todd walking towards the church steps.

Fifteen minutes earlier: Caitlin Todd parked the silver Audi A4 into the parking lot before grabbing her coat and putting it on before walking towards the church. To her surprise she saw Ben Willard standing in front of the church.

She noticed he was pacing back and forth, staring at the front of the Church, deep in thought. From the files she had read about him when they'd first met almost two months earlier after some strange phenomenon sent him thirty-five years into the future after his last mission. She knew he had worked in counterintelligence during the Vietnam War, finding doule agents and traitors and killing them. Wondering to herself just what sort of a burden that would leave.

She stood by her car watching Ben pacing for a few more minutes, turn to look at the church at least once before seeing him turn around and start walking back towards the parking lot. Hazel eyes met a pair of blue eyes with slight bags underneath them at that moment.

"Hey Ben." Kate said as they got closer.

Ben was snapped entirely out of his reminiscing just then, "Kate, how's it going?"

"It's going well. How are you?" Kate asked.

"I'm ok." Ben replied. After all it wasn't exactly something socially acceptable to say he woke up just a quarter after three in the morning unable to go back to sleep thanks to a flashback.

_Doesn't look ok to me._ Kate thought, noticing Ben's eyes seemed sort of sunken, like he hadn't slept well for at least a couple of nights. His shoulders seemed slightly stooped, as though he was bearing the world's weight on his back. As a profiler Kate knew suffering when she saw it.

"Nightmares again?" Kate asked softly, knowing firsthand how nightmares had bothered him, the night he had stayed at MCRT with the team on his arrival in the twenty-first century had brought one back.

"You could say that." Ben replied, meeting her look. Wondering, not for the first time, what made this woman so easy to talk to.

"I'm sorry." Kate began.

"No need to be. I'm the one who needs to carry that burden. Not you." Ben replied, "I'm sure you read my old file."

"I did." Kate replied, evenly, "On another note, I didn't know you were a practicing Catholic."

"I'm more a lapsed Catholic." Ben said with a faintly ironic sort of grin, "I'm sure that was on my dogtags."

"Look, I'm not a therapist or a theologian, but I know that you're walking away from help." Kate replied, her eyes never leaving his.

"I wonder if I even deserve it." Ben countered, leaving the statement hanging in the air.

"Ben, I'm sure you know about the Sacrament of Reconciliation." Kate replied, before adding, "Why not just go inside and attend Mass today? It's only an hour and it might help you."

"Including the years I was propelled forward into your time it has been almost thirty-six years since I last set foot in a church of any sort." Ben replied, "And that time was in the middle of a battle."

"Even more reason for you to go." Kate countered.

"I wonder if I can just say, 'God it's me, Ben...'." Ben replied.

"I'm sure you could." Kate replied, "If nothing else."

"Ok." Ben said, with a nod, "It'll be nice to at least go to Mass with someone I know, even a little."

"That's the spirit." Kate replied, with a small smile.

"So how long have you been coming here?" Ben asked.

"Since I came to DC when I worked with the Secret Service." Kate replied, "Tim and I used to come here a lot."

_Probably an ex-husband or ex-boyfriend._ Ben thought before asking, "I hope he doesn't mind me attending Mass with you or anything."

"No reason he should." Kate replied, "He died three months ago."

_Idiot_. Ben thought, seeing the look of pain briefly cross Kate's features.

For her part Kate remembered that moment Gibbs had told her Tim was dead. The day that Gibbs had pulled her into the lavatory on Air Force One, telling her in no uncertain terms that Major Timothy Kerry, her recently ex-boyfriend was dead.

She remembered crying, angrily hitting Gibbs and then listening to his explanation that Air Force One had been infiltrated.

Since coming to NCIS it had been a crazily busy three months, which had included finding Ben unconscious by a river displaced from his own time by thirty-four years. She hadn't even had time to mourn Tim really in all that time.

Ben noticed the tears welling into Kate's eyes as she gently wiped them away with a gloved hand.

"I'm sorry." Ben replied, "I didn't mean to..."

"No, it's alright." Kate replied, "You didn't know."

"If I may it sounds like I'm not the only one who needs to see if he can find some form of healing here." Ben observed.

"You're right." Kate replied, then glanced at her watch, "We'd better get going, Mass is going to start soon."

Ben walked up the church steps, before opening the door and with a flourish of his free hand he said, "After you."

Kate smiled slightly, despite herself and said, "Thank you."

_Funny how I meet a gentleman in my line of work._ Kate thought as they walked to a pew near the middle of the church.

As the Mass began, Ben silently prayed, "God, it's me, Ben, I know it's been thirty-five years since we last spoke and I hope you're listening to me still..." 

* * *

~FINI~


End file.
